hmmm....

i broke apart yesterday. into tiny pieces. it fell all over the floor and tripped me while walking up the stairs. it was as if i was walking around bleeding wondering how i was walking at all. how did i end up like this? how did i manage to put two feet on the floor in the morning and not prepare for my broken self to bleed.

i tried to pick up the pieces and put them in my oversized shirt instead of just grabbing a basket. or calling someone to bring me a basket. and why was i thinking that super glue would fix it? super glue smells and one wrong move and the putting back together could be worse then the B.B. (before break) body.

what happened? where was the misfire? why was my brain not connecting to my heart? why couldn't they communicate? was it all the chai i have been drinking, thanks to my giftcard loaded up by my father in law for christmas? was it that it was 40 degrees outside and the heater couldn't keep the house warm? or the static in my hair sticking to the wall as i walked by?

i didn't figure out what happened. through all my tears, telling God the mistakes i felt he made, and staring at my walls...it didn't come. the big epiphany that was supposed to solve my problems for that day never came. no light bulb went off, no self serving counseling session. nada. zip. zilch.

i went to work with my best friend that night. i showed her my broken bits and i shed some tears. nothing was solved. but what came and glued myself back together was laughter; pure side splitting, belly aching laughter. and like that-----it all came together. that thing that split me to pieces all day long was gone and my broken bits were reunited. life can be a big fat pain in the butt but man can it be bliss too.

It's just one of those seasons and for me and it started out with a little crazy and a whole lot of love.

I was telling someone that I wished I was as confident as I was in my 20's. I knew what I wanted, what I stood for and I really didn't care what people thought about me. Somewhere along the way I feel as though the ME shriveled up and I became what I thought people wanted. Or if the ME actually came out I would be ashamed and beat myself up for what I assumed they were thinking about me.

After I said this she asked, "what happened?". So it really got me to thinking. What happened?! I thought you were supposed to become wiser and stronger as you got older. Slowly I was becoming a hermit because I was so wrapped in what people thought of me I didn't want to be around anyone. Only those few that already knew me and my stuff and still loved me, they could stay. But all the others I started to slowly push away. Not really realizing what I was doing.

It's amazing how much you can live a lie when you believe the lie is not a lie. Cuz then you lie about living your lie when actually the lie is slowly poisoning you. And that is not a lie.

So I thought about it and prayed and wrestled with some stuff and walah. I think I got it! There was a time in my 20's when a certain person told me that they were never going to change. And that if I wanted a relationship with them I would have to be the one to change. And I thought to myself, "I never want to be like them!" (judgement made. judgement now attached to me. judgement slowly becomes me. like a parasite).

When I finally realized what judgement I had made it slowly started to make sense. Because I made this judgement, it manifested years later by causing me to always change so that I didn't stand for anything, I really did not know what I believed in and if I did I was riddled with guilt and shame because it felt like I was not open to change. Full circle is not fun.

So after doing a little-mini sozo on myself and forgiving myself, that person and releasing that person into God's blessing and destiny, I thought to myself....Who am I?

I am still on that journey. I am figuring out who I am and what I want out of life and what God has for me and what my destiny looks like. And through all of this. I am not ashamed. I will not feel guilty for what I believe in or if it's not the popular idea. I am open to listen to what people have to say. And I will gladly agree to disagree. But for now, this is ME. and you know what, THAT'S OKAY! God is so much bigger than all of this and yet so loving to care about the tiniest pain we are feeling and I will thank Him every day for that!

I read this in the Shack and love it.

Papa: "...I am what some would say 'holy , and wholly other than you'. The problem is that many folks try to grasp some sense of who I am by taking the best version of themselves, projecting that to the nth degree, factoring in all the goodness they can perceive, which often isn't much, and then call that God. And while it may seem like a noble effort, the truth is that it falls pitifully short of who I really am. I'm not merely the best version of you that you can think of. I am far more that, above and beyond all that you can ask or think. Even though you can't finally grasp me, guess what? I still want to be known."

not until it smacks ya in the face...

I was sitting down the other day and stared at a piece of trash, the same piece of trash that has been there for about 2 weeks.  I looked at the piece of trash and wondered why I have never thrown it away.  Why have I always noticed it and never did anything about it?

There has been an issue in my life that has caused a lot of pain for me although I say that I don't care.  Part of me doesn't want to care but the other 98% of me cares  a lot.  But I keep pushing it down hoping that maybe it will go away or that I will forget about it.

Like the piece of trash, it won't go away and if I don't bend over, pick it up and throw it away it will only gather dust.  Which means that the longer I leave it there, the more dust it will accumulate.  And when I finally do pick it up, the dust goes everywhere and causes an even bigger mess for me to clean up.  Logically, I should have picked up the trash on the first glance and called it a day.  But maybe it would hurt to bend over to pick it up or maybe it took too much energy.

Like the event in my life...had I addressed the hurt as soon as possible maybe the aching in my gut wouldn't hurt quite so bad and when it comes time to deal with the problem, i wouldn't have to go digging around so much dust because I let it sit there for so long.  Right now I don't have the energy and like the piece of trash, my issue is slowly gathering dust and won't be long before the trash needs to taken out.