I was telling someone that I wished I was as confident as I was in my 20's. I knew what I wanted, what I stood for and I really didn't care what people thought about me. Somewhere along the way I feel as though the ME shriveled up and I became what I thought people wanted. Or if the ME actually came out I would be ashamed and beat myself up for what I assumed they were thinking about me.
After I said this she asked, "what happened?". So it really got me to thinking. What happened?! I thought you were supposed to become wiser and stronger as you got older. Slowly I was becoming a hermit because I was so wrapped in what people thought of me I didn't want to be around anyone. Only those few that already knew me and my stuff and still loved me, they could stay. But all the others I started to slowly push away. Not really realizing what I was doing.
It's amazing how much you can live a lie when you believe the lie is not a lie. Cuz then you lie about living your lie when actually the lie is slowly poisoning you. And that is not a lie.
So I thought about it and prayed and wrestled with some stuff and walah. I think I got it! There was a time in my 20's when a certain person told me that they were never going to change. And that if I wanted a relationship with them I would have to be the one to change. And I thought to myself, "I never want to be like them!" (judgement made. judgement now attached to me. judgement slowly becomes me. like a parasite).
When I finally realized what judgement I had made it slowly started to make sense. Because I made this judgement, it manifested years later by causing me to always change so that I didn't stand for anything, I really did not know what I believed in and if I did I was riddled with guilt and shame because it felt like I was not open to change. Full circle is not fun.
So after doing a little-mini sozo on myself and forgiving myself, that person and releasing that person into God's blessing and destiny, I thought to myself....Who am I?
I am still on that journey. I am figuring out who I am and what I want out of life and what God has for me and what my destiny looks like. And through all of this. I am not ashamed. I will not feel guilty for what I believe in or if it's not the popular idea. I am open to listen to what people have to say. And I will gladly agree to disagree. But for now, this is ME. and you know what, THAT'S OKAY! God is so much bigger than all of this and yet so loving to care about the tiniest pain we are feeling and I will thank Him every day for that!
I read this in the Shack and love it.
Papa: "...I am what some would say 'holy , and wholly other than you'. The problem is that many folks try to grasp some sense of who I am by taking the best version of themselves, projecting that to the nth degree, factoring in all the goodness they can perceive, which often isn't much, and then call that God. And while it may seem like a noble effort, the truth is that it falls pitifully short of who I really am. I'm not merely the best version of you that you can think of. I am far more that, above and beyond all that you can ask or think. Even though you can't finally grasp me, guess what? I still want to be known."