i broke apart yesterday. into tiny pieces. it fell all over the floor and tripped me while walking up the stairs. it was as if i was walking around bleeding wondering how i was walking at all. how did i end up like this? how did i manage to put two feet on the floor in the morning and not prepare for my broken self to bleed.
i tried to pick up the pieces and put them in my oversized shirt instead of just grabbing a basket. or calling someone to bring me a basket. and why was i thinking that super glue would fix it? super glue smells and one wrong move and the putting back together could be worse then the B.B. (before break) body.
what happened? where was the misfire? why was my brain not connecting to my heart? why couldn't they communicate? was it all the chai i have been drinking, thanks to my giftcard loaded up by my father in law for christmas? was it that it was 40 degrees outside and the heater couldn't keep the house warm? or the static in my hair sticking to the wall as i walked by?
i didn't figure out what happened. through all my tears, telling God the mistakes i felt he made, and staring at my walls...it didn't come. the big epiphany that was supposed to solve my problems for that day never came. no light bulb went off, no self serving counseling session. nada. zip. zilch.
i went to work with my best friend that night. i showed her my broken bits and i shed some tears. nothing was solved. but what came and glued myself back together was laughter; pure side splitting, belly aching laughter. and like that-----it all came together. that thing that split me to pieces all day long was gone and my broken bits were reunited. life can be a big fat pain in the butt but man can it be bliss too.